INT. THE INCONTINENT VICAR. NIGHT
A small bar occupies most of the first floor of the inn, dimly lit from the hearth and a lantern set upon the bar top. The room is empty, save for the portly middle aged innkeeper cleaning up for the night. Outside, the heavens have opened up and a fierce storm batters the windows, the occasional flash of thunder illuminate the dark, wild fields of the frontier that surround the inn.
Suddenly, the door bursts open and three weather-worn and drenched travelers stagger inside. Startled, the innkeeper moves to greet them.
DOODLES
Come in, come in- bar the door and keep the storm out! What a terrible night to walk these muddy roads, but make yourselves at home and warm yourselves by the hearth.
The travelers mumble thanks and set their cloaks to dry and gear to rest before pulling chairs and settling heavily by the hearth. Amongst the three is a noble gentleman, a stately warrior-nun, and a young tinker. They have a sharp look about them, each one eyeing their surroundings cautiously. The gentleman speaks first.
EDWARD
This inn is truly a godsend, barkeep, and you a messenger of the gods to have a hearth ready and warm to greet us. I am called EDWARD of the Marshlands, and these are my traveling companions Sister ARMITAGE and LISETTE the Tinker.
DOODLES
Well met, good sir and ladies. It is your good fortune to find yourselves in the Incontinent Vicar, begging your pardon for the jest Sister, it's an old family name. I am Cameron Fiddlesticks, the proprietor of this small bastion of civilization. But everyone calls me DOODLES. Used to be a bit of artist, you see.
EDWARD
Our good fortune indeed, DOODLES. Do you have two rooms we can rent for the night? We lost our coach some ten miles back and have been battling the storm in search of sanctuary ever since.
DOODLES
It displeases me to say it, but I am afraid that my small inn is full tonight. Just like yourselves, two groups of travelers seeking refuge from the storm rented out all of the rooms. I have no rooms, but rest assured I will not turn you out back into the storm. Frankly, I am glad to have some company as the other groups turned in early. How about this- I'll see what scraps of food might be around the kitchen. The serving girl won't be here until daybreak to fix breakfast, but I'll make it up to you with free drinks if you keep me company.
DOODLES ducks into the back kitchen. The travelers huddle and speak quietly.
EDWARD
As good a deal as we could hope for in these circumstances.
ARMITAGE
Free drink until morning? Keep your wits about the both of you, something here is turning my stomach.
LISETTE
He seems friendly enough to me. Are you going to tell him about the corpse?
ARMITAGE
Quiet about that, girl. Let us see what more this DOODLES has to say- there may be more to him than he seems.
LISETTE
A doddering innkeeper like him? Surely not.
ARMITAGE
These lands are the frontier now, many a strange folk and bandit are about. I have heard tales of villains and robbers trapping unwitting travelers before- so keep one eye open and a blade nearby.
EDWARD
Easy, Sister. Don't frighten our ward unduly. This is no play and we are no players, he is much more likely a lonely innkeeper than some bloodsucking vandal. But, LISETTE, the Sister's words are not entirely without reason. Allow me to handle the matter of the corpse.
Glasses clinking together signal DOODLES returning- he sets four mugs on the bar and fills them, offering one to each traveler in turn.
DOODLES
I'm afraid there's nothing left from dinner, but drink up. Tell me, what errand sends you to the frontier?
EDWARD takes a glass and drinks, after a moment LISETTE does as well. ARMITAGE glares.
EDWARD
The Sister and I are escorting our ward to the Red Keep on the frontier, to apprentice under a master tinker there. Tell me, how far from the Keep are we now?
DOODLES
On foot? I'd say a week at least. More if this weather keeps up.
EDWARD
I don't suppose the other travelers have any spare horses we could purchase?
DOODLES
Hmm, I doubt that. They came with two four-horse coaches and would sorely miss even a single from the teams. A troupe of five morris dancers staying the night alongside four traveling spoon merchants, if you can believe it.
From behind the bar, DOODLES reveals a shiny silver spoon to the travelers.
DOODLES
Far too rich for my blood. Wooden utensils are simpler and more reliable for an establishment such as mine. The town just up the road, Argyle, might have someone willing to sell a horse or two though.
Chatter continues between the group for some time. ARMITAGE relaxes slightly as the night whittles away. LISETTE eventually nudges EDWARD.
EDWARD
Ah, right. Say, DOODLES, you haven't noticed anything strange about the inn as of late, have you?
DOODLES
Well, aside from the downpour no. A rain such as this hasn't come to us in a fair decade I should say.
EDWARD
Ah, but no unusual guests? Or perhaps sounds the night before? Maybe-
LISETTE
DOODLES did you know there's a dead man in the bushes just up the road?
ARMITAGE
Child!
DOODLES
A dead man? Outside the inn?
LISETTE
Yes, just a few minutes up the road! We spied his legs sticking straight up out of the brush and-
EDWARD
And he appeared to have been run through, a blade to the back I should wager. This day or the last. He had nothing of value on him either. Spying your inn in the distance we thought it best to make for shelter sooner rather than search around for any other signs.
DOODLES frowns, troubled, and strokes his chin. A flash of lightning illuminates the inn and thunder rolls in the distance.
DOODLES
How very peculiar. None of the travelers mentioned such a thing when they came in yesterday- and the reeve has kept the roads well clear of banditry. If there were any foul sort running about the roads I should be the first to know.
The group of four all share a glance and then look upstairs.
ARMITAGE
And what do you know of these travelers renting your rooms? Are you certain they are who they say they are?
DOODLES
They seemed the alright sorts, the merchants a bit stuffy but none of them the bandit type. I worry though, what say we haul the poor man out of the rain? If he's a local from Argyle up the road I should like to know who sooner rather than later.
A brief discussion follows, EDWARD and DOODLES pull on cloaks and exit the front door. LISETTE shivers.
ARMITAGE
He seemed quite genuinely concerned. Hm. Perhaps I had him wrong.
LISETTE
See? A friendly old innkeeper. If the murderer wasn't one of the travelers either, do you suppose there are bandits loose in these parts?
ARMITAGE
The other travelers aren't free of suspicion yet. Bah, we shouldn't get wrapped up in this. The minute the rain lets up we'll leave this place behind. We can let the Lord at the Red Keep know what we have seen when we arrive.
There is a creaking from upstairs and someone descends to the bar. It is Cameron Fiddlesticks, dressed in bedclothes.
LISETTE
DOODLES? How did you- where's EDWARD?
FIDDLESTICKS
I'm afraid you have me at a disadvantage, miss. Have we met? My friends call me DOODLES but I can't say I recall meeting two such as you before- who are you who make yourselves at home freely in my inn?
ARMITAGE and LISETTE share a glance. LISETTE's eyes widen and she swallows a response. Quickly, ARMITAGE steps between LISETTE and FIDDLESTICKS.
ARMITAGE
Good sir, I am called Sister ARMITAGE, and this is LISETTE. Do you have a twin by chance?
FIDDLESTICKS
A twin? What a strange question, and from strangers no less, at this time of night! No, and my brothers look nothing like me and left here long ago.
LISETTE and ARMITAGE are silent at this. LISETTE's eyes flick to the front door. FIDDLESTICKS scratches his head, considers, then grunts.
FIDDLESTICKS
Don't worry, I cannot begrudge the two of you for taking shelter here from such a storm. I'll forgive the drinks as I have no rooms to spare for the two of you- in exchange for some conversation that is, as I find myself now well and truly unable to return to sle-
Once more, the front door bangs open and the rain-slick figures of EDWARD and DOODLES haul a corpse into the room and secure the door again.
EDWARD
Black news, friends, our innkeeper here says this body is one of the danc- what hey?
EDWARD looks at FIDDLESTICKS, whose mouth is agape and stuttering. DOODLES is a mirror image. After a brief sound of choking rage the two each move, FIDDLESTICKS grabs and brandishes a chair while DOODLES pulls a club from behind the bar and waves it at FIDDLESTICKS.
DOODLES
What dark sorcery is this? Who is this devil that wears my face?
FIDDLESTICKS
There is witchcraft afoot here- who is this man you bring into my bar with these accusations and this countenance? Begone devil!
ARMITAGE pushes LISETTE behind the bar as the two innkeepers charge at one another, shouting. Before they can do too much damage, ARMITAGE and EDWARD grab one of the innkeepers each and pull them apart. Raucous shouts and hubbub from upstairs can be heard, a party of five spry young men armed with rapiers and daggers charges down ahead of a group of four considerably obese men- both parties in nightclothes. One of the young men shouts above the furor.
JOSHUA
Bandits! Stand down or we'll- we'll cut you to pieces! Innkeep what is all th- two innkeeps?
EDWARD
Yes- two- is exactly the problem! Bind that one and I'll get this one and we can get to the bottom of this! Now!
The two innkeepers continue to spout vitriol and loudly proclaim their innocence and the other as being a devil. After a moment's consideration the morris dancers offer their assistance and both innkeepers are bound and set apart from one another. EDWARD begins explaining the situation to the grumbling merchants and dancers as LISETTE checks the body hauled in from outside. She removes the cloak covering its face and her head whips around to examine the group, she gasps and points at one of the dancers.
LISETTE
It's you! This can't be- the dead man is you!
Everyone looks to the body and sees that it indeed is the exact double of one of the dancers. Said dancer gets shoved apart from the group and into the middle of the room by one of the merchants. EDWARD draws his sword, ARMITAGE grabs LISETTE and draws her back towards the kitchen.
EDWARD
Explain yourself- now!
PATRICK
I swear- it's not- I didn't do anything! JOSHUA tell them!
JOSHUA
The boy tells the truth, lower your blade and we'll explain!
EDWARD steps closer to ARMITAGE and LISETTE and lowers his blade but does not sheathe it.
JOSHUA
We were traveling yesterday when we met a wandering minstrel on the side of the road. The miserable sod was caught in the downpour, so we brought him along with us. But when he got in the coach he changed and suddenly there were two PATRICKs! There was a scuffle and the false one was stabbed. We... we feared the noose and so dumped the body as- who would believe us?
The merchants scoff and begin edging back upstairs, muttering. The most rotund and elderly one grumbles.
REMUS
I think it's high past time that we pack up and get on the road.
EDWARD
Hold, merchants! This deviltry involves us all now. JOSHUA- how do you know that the one you slew was the false PATRICK?
JOSHUA
Well- we weren't sure at first. Once we got to the inn we had him do our troupe's specialty dance- no one else can do it on demand and he did it flawlessly! Surely the devil was the one we slew!
ARMITAGE
And what of these two innkeepers, then? How do we sort devil from man? We only met the one in bedclothes just now- but the other was chatting quite jovially with us for some hours.
The group gets to shouting and arguing, nothing being clear over the din. Both innkeepers are practically frothing accusing the other, but no one can agree on what to do. Complaining that it was none of their business, the merchants head upstairs and proclaim that they intend to leave as the dancers continue arguing amongst themselves. A shout is heard from the kitchen and a serving girl enters the bar.
NICOLE
Quiet down you gits- breakfast is ready! What- what in the world is this, now?
Once more the inn erupts in noise as the group shouts the story again to the serving girl. The merchants descend the stairs fully dressed and with baggage- shouting accusations at the whole assembled group as they exit through the kitchen to the garage in the back.
LISETTE, EDWARD, and ARMITAGE huddle.
ARMITAGE
I think it's high time we leave as well- weather or no.
LISETTE
But what about the innkeeper?
ARMITAGE
He- they are not our problem, we'll fetch a priest in the next town and let them sort this out.
EDWARD
Very well. I don't trust these dancers though, they have killed once already and may well get ahead of us along with the merchants and convince the town that this was our doing. Their horses are in the garage, if we're quick then we can ready three and be gone before they notice.
LISETTE
Horse theft! That's a hanging offense! We'll make it to the Red Keep just to be strung up!
ARMITAGE
The sword-arm is right, LISETTE. If we make it to the law first then they'll likely turn a blind eye to what was necessary to get there. EDWARD, take LISETTE and get the horses ready, I'll keep this group busy, knock on the front window when all is ready.
ARMITAGE rejoins the shouting group in front of the bar and begins throwing her own, louder accusations. EDWARD and LISETTE duck out through the kitchen.
The sun has not yet risen, and the rain is still pouring. The short path to the garage is muddy and slows the pair as they fight the wind. A flash of thunder reveals an abnormal lump by the door to the garage, and LISETTE gestures at it and shouts to EDWARD, who draws a finger to his lips and shushes as he holds his blade at the ready.
Approaching the body, it becomes clear that it is one of the merchants. Another flash of lightning brings a peal of thunder, revealing briefly the merchant's face has become swollen and purple.
EDWARD
Steel yourself, LISETTE. Steady breathing, remember your training.
LISETTE nods. Sounds of a struggle can be heard from the garage. The door is open, a faint lantern light spills out into the dark. The pair continue cautiously forward, and EDWARD nudges the door open.
Inside, four more bodies lie on the ground, some bleeding and others still sucking in their last breath. One is face down in the mud. They all look to be merchants, one is a double for the one found outside.
There are sixteen horses, all crammed into the garage. Each horse has an exact duplicate. A brightly colored coach is unprepared in one corner, but a black coach stands ready with four chestnut colored horses hitched and ready. The coach doors to the garage are suddenly thrown open, and shouting can be heard from the other side of the coach. Two merchants are seen climbing in, with a third being thrown off and into the mud as one of the merchants drives the team out and into the downpour, disappearing into the dark.
EDWARD runs forward to check on the merchant thrown from the wagon, leaving LISETTE gawping at the bloody scene and agitated horses. She draws her dagger and checks the merchants in the garage, each one bears mortal wounds. As EDWARD reaches the merchant thrown from the coach, she looks and sees the merchant throw a hand up and grab on to EDWARD- and suddenly where there was one there are now twin EDWARDs, with no merchant to be seen. LISETTE looks between them both and shouts in fear, she cannot tell which is which.
Both EDWARDs rush one another and begin a bloody brawl in the mud. One shouts.
EDWARD?
Get ARMITAGE and make for the next town and the priest! I'll catch up!
The EDWARDs continue to brawl, one draws a dagger. LISETTE nods and turns back out the garage, drawing her dagger as she reaches the door- which bursts open in front of her. NICOLE flies into LISETTE's arms- sobbing.
NICOLE
Miss- it's terrible! They're all- they just started killing each other! We have to get the priest!
Glass can be heard shattering inside, along with the clash of blades and mixed shouting. LISETTE shakes NICOLE off her, crouching slightly and moving inside with dagger ready.
LISETTE
I'm not leaving without my companion, either come help me or fly back to your town on your own.
NICOLE whimpers, looks out into the pouring rain and dark outside. The sky has begun to lighten, slightly, but the torrential rains have not let up. NICOLE follows LISETTE inside, grabbing a cleaver from the kitchen top and clutching it desperately.
Broken furniture and pools of blood. Shouts and sparks fly at the clash of metal on metal. ARMITAGE, bloodied mace in hand with a stool as a makeshift shield, fighting back a mad-eyed morris dancer with a rapier. One of the innkeepers is tipped to the side in his chair, head bearing a grievous wound. Two of the same morris dancer fence one another, madly.
LISETTE darts forward and hamstrings the dancer attacking ARMITAGE, who bats her away and keeps LISETTE from biting the blade of the dancer who shouts in anger. NICOLE sobs.
The front door is swinging wildly, the storm pours inside the inn. The lantern is knocked to the side and the light extinguished, the melee inside stutter-framed with flashes of lightning. JOSHUA, bleeding from a side-wound. He drags a muddied person, limping, into the room- bearing the face of NICOLE. She screams, looking up at the NICOLE beside LISETTE. LISETTE is pushed aside as the NICOLE by her leaps through the room and flies at JOSHUA, knocking him back out and into the mud.
JOSHUA
Witches and devils, all of you!
ARMITAGE
LISETTE, flee!
The door to the garage by the kitchen swings open, and a horse enters the room, surveying its contents coolly. It lets loose a screaming whinny and charges forward, dark shadows in its stead.
ARMITAGE
Upstairs! Bar the door and open it for no one, girl!
LISETTE ducks the horse which charges into the tangle of morris dancers. She hurtles up the stairs and into the first room she finds, slamming the door behind her. She moves one of the three beds inside in front of the door, blocking it. As she prepares to move a heavy chest on to the bed and reinforce her barricade, she hears a voice. A figure rises up from under one of the beds.
ARMITAGE
LISETTE? Is that you?
LISETTE turns around in terror and stabs downwards, again and again. ARMITAGE crumples, a flash of lightning from the bedroom's window revealing she already bears numerous wounds. LISETTE gasps and pulls ARMITAGE into her arms- choking a sob.
ARMITAGE
It's okay- girl, the gods will protect you.
ARMITAGE coughs bloody and wet, shudders, and goes quiet. LISETTE remains, holding her, kneeling on the floor.
Crashes and shouting are heard from downstairs as the rain hammers against the inn.
The clamor from the bar quiets, eventually. There is a knock on the door.
EDWARD
Hello? LISETTE? LISETTE are you in there?
LISETTE sets ARMITAGE on the ground gently and stands.
LISETTE
You're not EDWARD.
EDWARD
LISETTE what are you saying? Of course I'm EDWARD. The other- hells, the other... thing ran off into the woods after I stabbed it. I just came back in and- gods are you alright?
The door rattles. LISETTE does not respond.
EDWARD
Come on LISETTE, open the door. Let's go and get the priest.
More steps can be heard outside the room. The door rattles again. LISETTE does not move.
ARMITAGE
Girl, get your wits together and get out here, we're leaving.
EDWARD
Yes, and hurry! There may be more of these... things. We should put as much distance as we can between us and here.
LISETTE shakes her head, unsteadily.
LISETTE
No. You're- you're dead.
Something heavy thuds against the door suddenly.
ARMITAGE
I did not raise you to speak nonsense, girl! A little book learning and she thinks she knows the stretch of the world. If I had known she'd turn out to be such a disappointment then I'd never have picked that wee starvling off the streets.
EDWARD
Calm yourself Sister, there's been a great deal of bloodshed here. Surely she's just confused. Now, open the door and let's make haste.
LISETTE
You are not EDWARD, and you are not ARMITAGE.
I do not know what manner of devil you are, but you will not fool me.
The patter of rain fills the silence. Moments pass.
EDWARD
What an absolute fool of a woman this child has grown into. What would your mother think if she could see you now?
Well, I suppose you couldn't know. After all, ARMITAGE is the closest thing you have a mother, and you killed her just now, didn't you, LISETTE?
Now you're all alone.
Something slams against the door, the room shakes and LISETTE pushes hard to keep the door barred. She looks to the window and smashes it with the pommel of her dagger. The morning is still dark, but she can see it's a short drop to the muddy ground below.
There's someone standing outside.
NICOLE
Quickly, miss! If we hurry we can outrun them!
LISETTE stumbles backwards and falls. Something, somethings, behind the door laugh. Standing up, she looks out the window again. EDWARD stands just below the window, beckoning for her to jump.
LISETTE
No... no.
Lightning splits the sky and thunder shakes the inn. Below, now ARMITAGE stands, staring up at LISETTE and smiling wickedly. The laughter from the other side of the door grows more baleful. A sword blade breaks through a crack in the door, and many hands set to hacking it to pieces.
LISETTE steadies herself and turns to face the door. She holds her dagger in front of herself, defensively, and speaks quietly.
LISETTE
Gods, grant me strength.
The door heaves and shatters as lightning strikes the ground just outside the inn with a blinding crack and shattering boom. The assailants rush the room but stop short. LISETTE is nowhere to be found.
INT. CRAB DUNGEON. BANQUET HALL.
A lavish table is laid out with a bounty of dishes. The benches are crowded with squat, frog-like creatures in robes, devouring the meals noisily. At the head of the table, CRAB eats distractedly, reading from a tablet. Mouth full:
CRAB
Damn, Negative Space, that was horrific. I've got to get someone else to read this and suffer with me.
From a side door, a tall man with a pigeon's head and wearing a tuxedo slides into the room and strides up to CRAB, handing him a sealed envelope.
CRAB
Oh, hey DEREK. Mail at this hour?
DEREK
Coo.
CRAB
Huh. Well, take it easy man. Grab some food before you go.
DEREK bows and produces a small tupperware container and picks delicately from the assembled meal. CRAB slices the envelope open, a sudden effervescent octarine billows out of the envelope, flooding the room.
Burning letters of swirling octarine form above the banquet table.
GRANT THIS ONE STRENGTH
The frog-like creatures scatter as the swirling writing throws the table into disarray and food flies across the room. CRAB stands up, fighting the pulsing octarine.
CRAB
DEREK who did you say sent this one?
DEREK shrugs and slides out of the room, avoiding the mess.
CRAB
Oh, great, just like the gods to never sign a letter. How am I supposed to know which of you this is a favor for? And grant who strength?
Suddenly, the swirling letters disappear, leaving the room strangely void. CRAB surveys the mess.
With a great crack and peal of thunder, LISETTE appears, standing on the table.
LISETTE yells in surprise and spins around, surveying the room. She sees CRAB and yells again. CRAB yells back. LISETTE yells again. CRAB shakes his head.
We done? What do you speak?
Parles français?
说中文吗？
Care- tye sinte quenya?
LISETTE
Where are we now, devil? What new sorcery is this? I will not be tricked again!
CRAB
Well, that's a relief. I didn't want to do this whole thing in Quenya, my Elvish is rusty.
CRAB rings a hand bell and the doors around the room burst open. LISETTE shouts and brandishes a knife at the dozens of skeletal figures wearing bowties that swarm into the room and begin cleaning. One approaches CRAB bearing a silver platter with two steaming mugs of coffee bearing the Old Bay logo. CRAB takes one and the skeleton places the other at the other end of the table.
CRAB
Well, go ahead and take a seat over there, miss. Seems like you have need of strength and I need to know what your story is to figure out what that means.
LISETTE
I- what are you? What is this place?
CRAB
This is the CRAB DUNGEON, and I am the DUNGEON CRAB. Just call me CRAB, it's easier. Go on, take a seat and tell me your story. Sounds like you have a god in your corner and they've called in a favor. You uh, don't happen to know which god you have backing you, do you? Any weird parents? Work at a temple? Signs from the heavens? Prophecies?
LISETTE, considers as CRAB sips the coffee. She gets down from the table, still brandishing the knife, and carefully avoids the skeletons, now mopping the floors, then sits at the other end of the table and sips from the mug cautiously.
LISETTE
I... just like that? My prayers are answered?
CRAB
Well, gonna be a little harder than that I wager, from all the blood on you I'd say you've been through some rough times. Now, what's your story?
LISETTE
Parents- I didn't know them. I was raised in a convent since I was very young, taught the principles of Xenia before apprenticing for awhile under a local tinker.
CRAB
Wait, Xenia? Like, Athena Xenia? Like Pallas Athena? Athena Promachos and Polias? That Xenia?
LISETTE
Those- some of those names I know as epithets of Xenia. Are you a servant of the Silver-Eyed Owl?
CRAB
Uh, no, I just sort of owe her a favor. Or four. Anyways, go on. You look famished, I'll get some more food.
LISETTE continues to tell her tale as a hearty meal is brought in.
END TITLES
"Pixies - Stormy Weather" begins to play.
After finishing the meal and summarizing the events of the night at the Incontinent Vicar, CRAB considers the tale.
CRAB
Yeah, sounds like doppelgangers, or I guess changelings- you'll learn the distinction later. There's some some work cut out for us. Alright, first thing in the morning we start the training montage, gonna have to start you from the very beginning it sounds like. Follow this here dapper skeleton and he'll see you to your quarters- just ring the bell and they can bring you whatever you like.
A skeletal servant escorts the still bewildered LISETTE from the room.
CRAB, ASIDE
Well, hell of a prologue there. Sort of hard to keep track of everything, huh? Sure does seem like a problem inherent with the source material, yeah? All in good time. Doppelgangers and the like are pretty dicey, and used with a heavy hand they can pretty much tear apart not just a session or a campaign, but even a table. But we'll exhaustively get into that next time, cheers.
FADE OUT
PAYING THE JOESKY TAX
Masque of the Deceiver
A white tragedy mask, mouth frowning but otherwise unadorned. If carefully inspected, bits of skin can be seen stuck to the inside of the masque, as though torn from great effort. The masque looks as though it is mocking those that behold it.
When worn, the masque allows you to appear as any person you have seen before and mimic their actions and voice perfectly, use their stats and class attributes. While wearing the masque, you are unable to eat or sleep, food and drink ingested while disguised will disappear as though consumed. Doppelgangers will know that you are deceiving them, and they will hate you for it. You can see the true forms of doppelgangers while wearing the masque, and they know this.
The masque sticks to your flesh, and does not want to stop being someone else. On a failed save against your personal charisma, the masque cannot be removed without permanent scarring.
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